Before we had kids and I had the time, one of my hobbies was cooking. Sure I cook now, but back then I could get a bit more creative and make pretty exotic dishes, that all changed when we started having kids mostly because of time and their limited palette and range of foods that theywould eat. I mean seriously, there is only so many ways to cook a chicken nugget and french fries.
One night me and my wife were cooking dinner and I was preparing some fresh guacamole, one of my all time favorite dishes. It was going really well until I started chopping up the jalapeno to add to it, I like things a bit spicy, and got the juice and seeds all over my hands, which normally isn’t a big deal. However I had to pee and I had been holding it for quite a while. I went to the sink and washed my hands, which I thought I had done pretty thoroughly and trekked into the bathroom to take care of business.
I went in like normal, unzipped, and started doing my business, all the while doing the gangsta lean (the guys know what I’m talking about). I finished, washed my hands and took about 3 steps back toward the kitchen when this burning sensation started slowly engulfing the ole family jewels. It slowly intensified and turned into a burning inferno in seconds and before I even knew what hit me, I was running full speed back into the bathroom, pulled my self up onto the sink and slipped them into the sink as I furiously splashed water onto myself creating huge puddles of water all over the floor.
My wife came running in and when she saw what was happening, I gave her a quick, screaming explanation, and she started laughing hysterically. I was not amused. I was on fire, I was in tears and as the pain was becoming more and more unbearable, I started to panic. For some reason the first thing that ran through my mind was that I had heard once that butter could cool down a burn, so I yelled to my wife to bring me the butter, and 30 second later I was lathering up my area with 3 sticks of margarine. It didn’t work, and I became even more desperate.
The next item up was a half-gallon of milk. I poured the milk all over me like I was in a peep show in the red-light district in Amsterdam, while my wife was in tears from laughing so hard. The milk didn’t work either.
Next up was a jar of pickles. Sure the fact that I even thought about pickles is hilarious but I was in so much pain at that point I was willing to try anything, so I poured the pickle juice all over myself as I rubbed the pickles against my skin. It didn’t work either.
Finally my wife brought me a bottle of Ketchup and mustard and without hesitation I doused my nether regions with an entire bottle of Heinz and a half bottle of spicy mustard (it’s all we had, and in retrospect wasn’t the best choice but I was desperate). It didn’t work.
So as I’m sitting naked in my bath tub drenched in butter, milk, pickles, mustard and ketchup, the pain finally started to subside and within a few minutes the pain was gone and I was left lying in the nastiest soup ever made. I did experience a bit of swelling and had to ice myself up for a day or so, but I did end up with one hell of a story to tell which I have told more than a few times
Thank god there are no pictures and to this day I wear gloves whenever I have an encounter with a jalapeno.