Funny Pics

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Now I get the funny behind alot of these stick figure family decals people stick on the back of their vehicles, but this one here, showing the father in prison is a little bit… HILARIOUS! I mean, it is totally awesome, even more so if its true, because, let’s be honest if you have that type of sense of humor dealing with that type of a situation, you are #winning.

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Funny Pics

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This kid is an absolute genius.

My Life

My son was 4 when our first daughter was born, and when we were trying to come up with a name for her, we obviously included my son in the process. We figured that there was going to be an adjustment period after she was born because Jack had been an only child for his entire life and we weren’t quite sure how eager he was going to be to share some of our attention with her, so we tried our best to get him involved and used to the idea as soon as we could, so we let him contribute to helping us name her baby sister.

Guess which name my son picked to be his sister's name?

Guess which name my son picked for his sister’s name?

However nothing could have prepared us for the extreme meltdown my son would have right after Sydney was born, it wasn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination. I think he thought that his sister was going to be born and be more like a toy than another human being that his mom and dad would have to spend every waking moment nurturing; because a few days after we brought her home, things with Jack changed drastically.

First he refused to go to school. He was in pre-k at the time and got it into his head that he was being dropped off at school while his new sister got to stay home and have fun. This went on for more than a month. Sometimes we’d get him to school, but most of the time he would scream, cry and throw huge tantrums or other times he would complain that he was sick. This went on for quite a while and we really didn’t know what to do. We’d drop him off in carpool and the teachers would have to rip him from us and force him into the school as he screamed and cried, which is the only way we got him to school, and honestly I couldn’t take it. My wife had to start taking him and eventually after a while he started going back to school without tears, but usually with us promising something to him as a reward; some of this recurred in Kindergarten, but not nearly as bad.

Then his behavior all around changed. He started hitting, literally attacking me like he was a ninja, and it hurt, and I took it because I knew that he was going through something he couldn’t really understand, or even know what was happening. Sure I disciplined him, but I really had to be careful with him because I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it. In fact one time I had to carry him out of Walmart with him on my shoulder as he kicked and punched me the while way out – not our best father/son moment.

(oh and for all of you parents are gonna spout something off like “that kid needs a beating” or “I would have spanked my kid” or something related to that sort of discipline, save it, I’m not interested in your theories.)

So after counseling and patience we figured out he was going through separation anxiety and with patience and time it went away and he was back to normal – but that was a very stressful time, and one day we will get a good laugh out of it, not yet though, not yet.

He’s 8 now and she’s 4 and they get along about 53% of the time. The rest of the time they fight and try their best to annoy each other, which for some reason seems fun for them even though that it always leads to me yelling at one of them, but they take their chances; risk vs reward and all that.

All that drama and turmoil that started when we had our baby girl and named her Sydney. I wonder what would have happened if we had named her what my son wanted to name her; Omlette. We might be in World War 3 right now.

 

 

 

My Life

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We had a great time for Halloween this year. We had some good friends over in some really cool costumes, ate some really good food, had a few drinks and had a lot of laughs. It was supposed to be a very innocent party, but as always, things sometimes get a bit more fun than most of the wives care for – more on that later.

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It was freezing cold but most of the kids didn’t seem to mind as long as they were getting free candy from all of the neighbors, my baby girl though was shivering and shaking like a leaf. Trick or Treating really didn’t last too long because of the weather, but that was okay because we still had the party back at the house. The kids were feasting on candy and the dads, well we were out in the driveway with the fire-pit, drinking Fireball and playing cornhole – mostly in the rain. Fireball for those of you wondering, is a cinnamon whisky that is totally delicious and just a delight to drink. If the weather had cooperated it would have been a perfect night and the kids would have gotten more candy, but thankfully everyone got home safe, and a good time was had by all.

Funny Pics

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Well if nothing else, you can definitely say that Bob had one hell of a sense of humor. Happy Halloween to you good sir.

My Life

I’ve heard parents use the phrase “oh that’s just life with raising boys” whenever their children do something mischievous, rambunctious or crazy, I laugh a little inside, because if they think boys are the only ones creating massive chaos, they know nothing about the other spectrum of parenting. I have two daughters and I can assure you they’d give any boys a run for their money and then some, all before breakfast and without breaking a sweat, and although it can be quite entertaining – it is very, very exhausting. In fact in the last few weeks my sweet and innocent two year old baby girl has suddenly turned into an hyperactive, little evil energizer bunny Frankenstein type creature who is slowly tearing the walls down around me – but more on that at a later date, (or click here, here and here.)

A few days ago we all were out in the driveway hanging out, the kids were playing, riding their bikes or whatever and I was working in the garage cleaning up, when suddenly I heard this burst of laughter break out in the direction of my daughters. Well of course I had to investigate, that’s the main way that I babysit anyways, I listen and I react to the various sounds that I hear, and even though this one didn’t alarm me, it still needed to be checked out; and what I saw made me start to laugh too. You see, my 4 year old daughter Sydney, had taken the lid from my fire pit and put it over my cat essentially trapping him. Now what made it funny was that our cat, Kingpin, was walking around back and forth with the lid on top of him as he slid around on the concrete. I wish I had taken video, but I did manage to snap a few pictures of the incident before I went over and rescued him. Kingpin wasn’t even upset because he loves the kids and is pretty much used to being treated like a rag doll, in fact he actually loves the attention, he is definitely a one-of-a-kind, very cool cat and as luck would have it, he will fight to live another day.
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My Life

I’m really a bit pissed off. Yes, the guy who usually finds humor in just about any situation, has thrown in the towel on the funny and has jumped head first into a world of misery. Did I mentioned I was pissed? Well, I am.

Sunday, my wife decided it was time to clean out the van, because quite frankly the kids have made it a mess from the constant errands I have to run with them or driving them to and from school. When we first bought the van, that’s not even a year old mind you, my rule was simple: no eating or drinking in the van. Well just like any other rule you try to lay down with your children this lasted about a week, maybe a week and a half until we took our first road trip to the grandparents. I should have known better because as soon as we got into the car to head out, they immediately start asking for food, and well, to keep them from driving me crazy for the next two hours, I popped into the nearest drive-thru and picked them up something to eat; and that’s how it all started.

So after a few months, (I saw weeks but the wife says months)  it was finally time to clean out the van, something that I was dreading. I climbed in and started looking around and the back of the van was littered with skittles, m&ms, french fries and toys and some stuff that I couldn’t even identify. Carrie, my wife, kept giving me this death stare and making comments about how the van was a mess, and how I should keep it cleaner and blah, blah, blah. She was visibly irritated and she immediately took over, jumped into the backseat with a bottle of cleaner and paper towels and went to work, and I quietly exited the vehicle and went to the trunk with the vacuum.

I shouldn’t have been intimated by my wife’s gazing stare and her disapproving parenting comments. I should have stood up to her and been like:

Look woman, I do the best I can! Some days it’s all I can do to drive off of  bridge into shark infested waters, so excuse me if I let the kids have a snack on the way home from school. Want to see me on the news? Want to see me in a straight jacket screaming and quoting old French movies that I’ve never even seen? THEN BACK OFF!

But I didn’t, and in the end, it cost me dearly.

I started vacuuming and cleaning out the trunk, finding things that had no business even being in there such as; bottle rockets, clothespins, jar of mayonnaise, one headless barbie, a pack of melted crayon, 3 dimes, a penny and a chewed up piece of gum. After I had finished up I went around to the side door and peeped inside the dragon’s lair (my wife was still irritated) and I saw a pen stroke on the arm of one of the leather arms of one of the chairs of the second row. Now, the tables were turned and I was the irritated one, because she hadn’t noticed that my two year old daughter had a pen in her hand, and she should have been paying attention especially because my daughter is known to be quite an artist. So after we quickly de-penned her, I glanced into the backseat and my heart sank, and a fury erupted inside me that I hadn’t felt in days as I lay my eyes onto the horror before me:

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And there you have it. My new mini van that’s not even a year old has been “decorated” (as my 4 year old calls it) with some one-of-a-kind artwork by my beautiful 2 year old daughter, Skylar.

“Having kids is the greatest gift ever bestowed upon us by God” – I heard someone say that once, and if I heard it said again, no matter who had said it; a doctor, a teacher, a preacher, an old lady at the grocery store buying fruit, I swear to Christ I would punch them right in their throat.

The end.

 

Epic Fail

We’ve all been there. We set aside some time, got out all of our pumpkin carving tools, sat down and start to carve out a design on a pumpkin only to find out after we finish that it didn’t quite turn out the way we envisioned. So I decided to find some of the best pumpkin fails that I could and post them here to show us all, that we aren’t alone in the struggle of pumpkin carving.

Epic Fail

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Apparently a lot of people are dressing up like Ray Rice this year for Halloween parties, even allowing kids to do it while carrying around dolls that look like they have been beaten up. It’s just wrong in my opinion because of the fact that people are making light and having a good laugh at the expense of domestic abuse.

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Hot Topics

I’m sure you heard, a sweet old lady named Susan Myers in Florida started a petition last week to have Breaking Bad action figures removed from Toys R’ Us, and not surprisingly has succeeded, as the giant toy chain succumbed due to the negative media and backlash it was receiving from it. A lot of parents were getting pretty upset over the toys, but quite frankly there are many other toys that are carried at these stores that are way worse than any Breaking Bad toy that you will ever find.

This is one of the many Breaking Bad toys available on the market

This is one of the many Breaking Bad toys available on the market

Now I’m not saying that parents should run right out and purchase these Breaking Bad toys for their children for Christmas, but I don’t think it’s fair for Toys R’ Us to be singled out, targeted and attacked, when ultimately it’s the parents responsibility to monitor what their children purchase and play with. Plus, many adults collect toys, I know grown men who have every single Star Wars action figure ever made proudly displayed in glass cases in their homes, so I think it’s safe to say that there is a market for these toys.

Since I think it’s a bit absurd that these toys were removed from the stores, I wanted to share with you some of the other toys that Toys R’ Us carries online and in their stores:

  • Walking Dead Action Figures

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As you can see, this Walking Dead action figure toy set promotes violence and even has a gun pointed at another one of the action figures. Also note that this toy doesn’t have an age limit on it – well unless your under 3, so basically any kid can walk in to a store and buy this without any issues whatsoever.

 

  •  Dexter Board Game

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Product Description

Dexter Board Game – As Dexter, travel through the streets of Miami trying to hunt down a suspect that has slipped through the cracks of the justice system and make them your next victim. Keep your day job by completing blood spatter reports to avoid any suspicion and reap the rewards of a job well done. In the meantime, try to avoid your opponents, who will expose you, the first chance that they get. Once you have found your suspect and have collected the tools that you need, you must head over to the marina to get rid of the evidence and win the game.

 

Now this Dexter board game based on the show Dexter, which is about a serial killer, does have a 17+ warning on it, but still I’d assume it would be pretty easy for a kid to order it from their online store. This board game is stained with bloody graphics and features various murdering scenarios, including ways to dispose of a body – but no one seems to have an issue with this being sold by Toys R’ Us.

 

  • Grand Theft Auto 5

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Product Description

Los Santos: a sprawling sun-soaked metropolis full of self-help gurus, starlets and fading celebrities, once the envy of the Western world, now struggling to stay afloat in an era of economic uncertainty and cheap reality TV. Amidst the turmoil, three very different criminals plot their own chances of survival and success: Franklin, a former street gangster, now looking for real opportunities and serious money; Michael, a professional ex-con whose retirement is a lot less rosy than he hoped it would be; and Trevor, a violent maniac driven by the chance of a cheap high and the next big score. Running out of options, the crew risks everything in a series of daring and dangerous heists that could set them up for life.

 

Grand Theft Auto has been a game for years that has pushed the envelope as far as violence in video games go, and in their last version you can pretty much do anything that you want, no matter how violent. Here are some of the things that you can do in the game that isn’t listed on the Toys R’ Us website: Drive a bus off a cliff, Kick a dog to death, Crash a Jet into a freeway, Take hostages, Torture terrorists, and many more violent and graphic things that I don’t even feel comfortable writing about. And guess what? Toys R’ Us sells it!

Yeah, this is a game that very well may be the most violent video game ever made and you can walk into any Toys R’ Us store and buy it, but they have removed the Breaking Bad action figures from their shelves because one parent decided that every other parent in the world needed her help with making the decision if the toys were suitable for their children or not.

Dear Sweet Old Lady In Florida Who Thinks That Everyone Needs Her Help With Making Parenting Choices,

I can appreciate your passion for wanting to keep children away from toys that you feel as though are inappropriate for them to play with, but personally I think you went about this in the wrong way. I don’t think it was the right thing to do to bring negative publicity to Toys R’ Us for carrying a toy that you, and many others, including me mind you, think is inappropriate for children. Why? because that is a decision for the parents to make themselves, not a decision that parents need someone else to make for them. I’ve shown three other toys available by Toys R’ Us that are arguably more violent and inappropriate than the Breaking Bad action figures – so why are we singling out one specific set of toys?

This is the thing, I don’t have a problem with stores selling these types of toys because I know that my child isn’t going to go home with one of them, but what if I wanted to pick one up for my office? I damn sure couldn’t buy a Walter White action figure from Toys R’ Us because you, and your recent actions have already made that choice for me. It just doesn’t seem right.

I also don’t like the GTA video games. They are too violent for my kids, but I have no problem with Toys R’ Us selling them, because again, it’s the parents responsibility to police what their children are exposed to – it’s not the job of the retailer, the government or anyone else.

Again, I can appreciate your concern but I think your actions were a bit misguided.

Now, thanks to you, I have to hop over to Amazon to buy my Walter White action figure.

Sincerely,

Daddy Fishkins

 

Funny Pics

Should I be laughing? Absolutely. Whoever designed these playgrounds and equipment are oblivious to the world around them, or just an evil genius. I’m hoping for the latter.

Kids Books

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‘You Have To F*cking Eat’ is the sequel to the famous children’s book ‘Go The F*uck To Sleep‘ and it’s awesome. I got my hands on an early copy, and I have to tell you if you thought the first book was hilarious – you have no idea. The author totally nails the every day frustrations parents go through trying to get their kids to eat, and delivers it in a way that will make these same parents laugh and realize that they are not alone in this everyday struggle.

You can click over and order a copy here.

About Me


I'm a stay at home dad. I change A LOT of diapers. Even more so now that my 2 year old thinks it's funny to take off her diaper while running around the house naked screaming as loud as she possibly can: "NAKED BUTT!"

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