My Life

My Life

After the last few days of finding various items in my shoe, I decided to crank out a top 10 of things that I have found in my shoe over the course of raising my 3 children. Some may sound familiar to you and some may not – either way let’s take a dive into my world for a few minutes, shall we?

shoes

10. Princess chairs from a Princess castle. Yeah this one is pretty normal in terms of what you might find in a shoe from a child. I’m sure based on gender it’s pretty much the same, whatever small item they play with at some point end up in your shoe. in my case though I was in a hurry throwing on my shoes without socks to pick up my son from the bus stop when my toys were met with a very sharp princess chair, that shortly after took a short flight across my front yard.

9. Sand. Now, I’m not entirely sure where the sand came from. We have a sand box that’s at the very back of our one acre yard, but we hadn’t been on the playground in a week or so, and I know the kids hadn’t been back there, but that’s the only place you can get sand around here. And it’s not like there was a trail of sand or anything, there was just my shoe, filled with sand. I still haven’t figured this one out.

8. Water Balloon. We had many pool parties over the summer and water balloons always made an appearance and somehow one of them got crammed into the bottom of one of my Chuck Taylors. Did I mention it broke when I tried putting my shoe on? Yeah.

7. Cat food and my shoe half way filled with water. My daughter didn’t quite understand how feeding the cat worked. She’s better now, but wet cat food in my shoe was pretty nasty to clean out. It had the same consistency as baby puke.

6. A chewed up Hot Dog. 

5. A Sponge Bob Square Pants pez dispenser.

4. A Barbie doll head. A neighborhood boy was reportedly responsible.

3. A squished up banana. This recently happened and it was just like half of a banana and I didn’t see it or know about it until I felt this moisture, a very wet and squishy substance slowly make love to my toes.

2. A live frog. I’m not sure who did this, but for a time my son had pet frogs in an aquarium in his room and after a party where many kids were present I found the frog. Luckily however, I found him, or her before I put on my shoe.

1. A Dead Goldfish.  I have no explanation. We don’t have goldfish.

 

If someone had told me things like this would happen before I had kids I might have reconsidered – but alas for me it’s too late. So I have created a GO FUND ME campaign that could help me and others like me. So please check that out here.

My Life

6:00 A.M – Time to wake up.

waking_up_hungover_on_a_work_day-14393

Usually when I wake up, I’m squished to the very edge of my King sized bed with baby feet in my face. If I’m lucky I’ve had 5 hours of sleep, but usually, no. Usually I’ve been awaken by our 2 year old she-devil as she cries, screams, giggles, punches and kicks me in the face. If none of these things have happened before 3 A.M, I’m pulling out my wife’s cosmetic mirror and checking to see if she’s breathing, because it’s not normal.

6:30 A.M – Time to shower.

ace-ventura-shower-o

If I’m lucky I’ll get some hot water, but not always. It depends on if my son beats me to the shower or not. He likes to stand in scolding hot water to wake himself up in the mornings, and it takes an act of Congress to get him out. I’m not exaggerating here when I say he likes the water so hot that when he gets out of the shower he is bright red. He gets to look cool and look like a Lobster, and I get to take an ice cold shower to start my day. He wins again.

*Sometimes I like to grill steaks while I shower. How else could I explain the fire in the gif?

 

7:15 A.M – I drive the kids to school

drivekids

When I drive the kids to school I never quite know how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes it’s quiet and I can drink my coffee while day dreaming about how lucky I’d be if an alien space ship would come down and abduct me, and take me to a new planet without kids. But a lot of times it turns out to be my kids arguing  and fighting about absolutely nothing.

Dad, Sydney is singing.

No, I’m not!

Yes you are Syd I just heard you, you were singing that Frozen song!

NO…I’M…NOT!

I have to get involved at this point.

Baby, try not to sing, okay? Jack’s tired in the mornings and he just wants it quiet on the way to school, okay baby?

She smiles and gives me a thumbs up.

3 seconds later I hear her singing, but she IS singing lower and I know she’s singing just loud enough so that her brother can hear her, and where she thinks that I can’t.

DAD! SYDNEY IS STILL SINGING!

NO I’M NOT JACK! YOU’RE LYING!

I chuckle. This drive just became very interesting.

 

NOON – I make lunch for my 2 year old

lunch

My 2 year old can eat. She will virtually eat anything not bolted to the floor.  She eats like a Great White shark in a kiddie swimming pool. She is the sole reason why I have to hide while I eat, if she even thinks I’m eating, she will come running towards me waving her hands wildly, moaning and foaming at the mouth. Yesterday sadly, I ate a tuna fish sandwich in the bathroom.

*Disclaimer: Okay, so my daughter isn’t black, but I’m an equal opportunity blogger.

 

2:30 P.M – I head to car pool lane to pick up my 4 year old from Pre-K.

michael-bolton-gangsta-o

Even though I still have my 2 year old with me, I consider this my “free time” and before she picks up on bad words in my music, I listen to gangsta rap on the way to car pool. I figure I’ve listened to enough pop and Frozen songs (okay so I really don’t mind listening to Taylor Swift), that rapping along to rap songs kinda balances out the spectrum a bit. Sadly, I think this is coming to an end though because all of a sudden my 2 year old decided that she can talk, and the other day she dropped a “hey shawty, clap those ass cheeks” to my wife. Yeah.  Doghouse central.

2: 50 P.M – My son gets home from school and I start my part time job as a referee

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The kids like to fight. About anything.

Dad she got a bigger piece of watermelon than I did!

I didn’t get to put ketchup on my pancakes!

Why did she get to fall down and scrap her knee and I didn’t?

She had more water in her bath than I did.

She’s in my room.

She’s touching my important stuff.

She’s chewing with her mouth open.

He looked at me.

And so on and so on, until my head hurts so bad I can’t think straight and I just want to put a gun in my mouth.

5:00 P.M – I start dinner

dinner

By the time I start dinner I’m in that “leave me the F*ck alone” stage just counting the minutes until my wife gets home from work and just praying to god that she doesn’t have to work late or gets stuck in traffic. Sometimes I ace coking dinner and it turns out really good, and other times it ends up in a disaster or I just pop in a frozen pizza in the oven or pour bowls of cereal.

5:15 P.M – My wife gets home from work

freeeeeee

Half of the time my wife gets home from work I’m waiting for her and before she even gets to the front door, I’m on the front porch greeting her with me screaming; “I’M OFF DUTY!” Maybe that’s a bit selfish since at this point I have no idea how her day went, but when I’m at my breaking point, I feel is very necessary to escape as fast as I possibly can before the dream killers see me and drag me back into the cold, dark, damp prison that they keep me chained up inside of.

So in a nut shell, this is a rough outline of the ‘hot spots’ of my day. Pretty glamorous eh? Speaking of, it’s almost lunch time, but I may get lucky, she ate a late breakfast of pancakes and ketchup, so I may get out of preparing lunch today.

ketchup

Welcome to my life, the life of a Stay At Home Dad. Now please kill me; I need a vacation.

My Life

stop-bullying

 

Recently on Facebook someone post this picture and I took offense:

bullying

This lead to a debate of sorts, with me mostly getting angry and going off on the person, but it hit close to home, and besides with all the good bullying campaigns do and the statistics of how many children commit suicide or do other violent things because of bullying, I thought it was pretty ignorant.

This was one of his best arguments:

bullying-comment

After a few more insults I threw at him, yes, I let him get under my skin and I shouldn’t have; he responded with this gem:

bullying-comment-2

I’m assuming because I’m a Stay At Home Dad, he thinks I’m weak as is my position on the issue at hand – just more of his ignorance shining through.

When I was in elementary school I was severely bullied, to the point when I fantasized about the violent things I wanted to do to them. I had one teacher who allowed this to go on even. It made going to school dreadful. Standing up for myself really wasn’t an option, even though I was too scared to do so because I was always bullied in groups, never one on one. I’m not sure why I was bullied, but I was, and all through middle school I was miserable. Going to the principal, teachers or my parents just wasn’t an option, in fact there was no awareness so teachers turned a blind eye, and most parents dealt with bullying the same way, they either minimized it, or gave the all important “stand up for yourself” speech. I do agree one should stand up to his or her bullies, let them know right off that you won’t tolerate it – but some kids are just too scared, feel like they have no chance of succeeding and knowing the backlash would be even greater than the actual bullying or simply can’t because the bullying comes from a group. Now as a grown man I know that they bullied in groups because they were cowards, but at the time I was scared to death.

I remember one time at a school dance, I was maybe 10, a kid came running through the crowd and sucker punched me right in the stomach and I crumbled like a ton of bricks. Another time at a lunch table someone spit on my arm. Paper was thrown at my head in class, I was pushed around in the hall wall, and this went on and on for years. Many kids go through these kinds of things and it’s not right or fair for them to be subjected to these types of abuse.

If these campaigns were around when I was a kid maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. I’m not naive, I know bullying will never fully go away, however with these types of campaigns in place it bring more awareness to the issue and starts creating a better culture when it comes to bullying. Maybe more teachers will pay attention, maybe other kids will start sticking up for those who are being bullied, maybe kids who are being bullied won’t feel as though they have nowhere to turn any longer? If these campaigns help just 1 kid, isn’t it worth it in the long run? I was bullied most of my childhood and I’m not sure how much the anti-bullying campaign would have helped, but I would have felt better knowing they were in place, and thankfully many kids today can breathe a bit easier knowing that they have this type of support.

#StopBullying #BulliesSuck #NoMoreBullying

 

My Life

hanging

I think all parts have been there. We are busy doing important things like eating a snack in peace hidden away in some dark corner of the house, or taking that 30 second shower in between cries of “I’m hungry” and other random gibberish, when we hear in the distance, a faint scream for help coming from one of our children. Now when this happens to me the panic that I feel as a parent is quickly washed away when I walk into the room where the screaming is coming from only to see something as awesome as what’s taking place in the picture above. Usually I leave them in whatever awkward position that they’ve managed to get themselves into, but hey that’s what parenting is all about right? Watching our children grow? Well they might have a few bumps and bruises, but I definitely watch them.

My Life

 

remote-1

I’d like to choke them – but I can’t. Society as a whole frowns upon it nowadays. and I really don’t need the fall back from having a criminal record from choking my kids out. Bank robbery yes, choking kids no.  I get so frustrated that I can’t see straight half the time and it’s over something so silly that it’s hard not to bust out in a frantic Edgar Allan Poe laugh wearing nothing women’s panties and singing ‘u can’t touch this’ by M.C Hammer. And what might you ask leads me to such great madness?

THE KIDS TAKING THE BATTERIES OUT OF REMOTES ONLY TO PUT THEM INTO OTHER REMOTES BECAUSE THE BATTERIES IN SAID REMOTE STOPPED WORKING INSTEAD OF JUST REPLACING THE BATTERIES WITH THE NEW BATTERIES WE HAVE AND THEN LEAVING THE GODDAMN BACKS OFF OF THE REMOTES SO THAT WHEN I GET A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY USE A REMOTE THAT HAS BATTERIES, THEY FALL OUT ONTO THE FLOOR!

remote-2

I mean seriously kids, why? generally it’s my son grabbing the batteries from one of the TV remotes because he needs batteries for his Nintendo WII remote, but it really gets under my skin that he doesn’t at the very least ask if we have batteries. He’s even come into the living room as I’m watching TV trying to remove the batteries WHILE I”M WATCHING TV like it’s the most natural thing in the world. He actually looks shocked when I try and explain to him that it’s not acceptable practice.

“Really Dad?”

“Really son.”

My 4 year old daughter of course is watching and learning all of her big brother’s tricks, so it won’t be long before she’s trying to swindle and con me into getting my batteries, and guess who is watching and learning from her? My 2 year old. The. Cycle. never. Ends.

And just to throw salt in the wound, they refuse to put the backs back over the batteries, for whatever reason I don’t know, however my son recently informed me that it didn’t matter if the backs were on the remotes or not, so whenever I try and use the remotes I have to hold the batteries in place, use tape or risk losing them and watch them roll underneath the couch.

So check the papers, watch the news and do google searchs constantly for the term “dad chokes his kids for removing the batteries from the remote controls”, because my friends – it’s coming.

Oh man, is it coming.

 

My Life

calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutions

A new year is upon us, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s going to be 2015. Yeah. I graduated High school in 1995 – 20 years ago. I’ve been married since 2004 – be together with the warden my wife since January of 2001 – and the years are flying by at an alarming rate. I have three kids. Three. In twenty years my life has blossomed into a really cool sitcom and I couldn’t be happier. However in any happy life there are always room for improvements. No one, or any family or relationship is perfect, they all need work and sometimes we have to look inside ourselves to see what we can improve on. I’ve never made a New Years resolution before, no particular reason for it, but this year I’m going to try and work on a few things personally with my very own New Years resolution. I have decided to make a list of things that I should try and improve on:

To be a better husband
To be a better father
To be a better lover (hahaha who am I kidding? I’m the best!)
To be more acceptable of others
To learn to forgive and let go
To learn how to be more patient with others
To learn how to brush/comb/take care of my daughter’s hair
To eat less cookies
To use less curse words (gonna be hard with 3 kids though)
To not eat doughnuts that my wife buys for parties and tells me not to eat
To go to church more
To get more involved in my kids hobbies and activities
To eat healthier
To be less lazy
Play more of my son’s games
To cover the pool in the winter (it’s currently green)
To try and do stuff my wife asks me to do around the house within the first month of her asking
To do more laundry

and yada, yada, yada. I now see why I have never made a New Year’s resolution before. It’s too much work. I think I’ll just narrow it down to one thing: To be less lazy. That pretty much covers it all, sure it’s kind of cheating, but I only have one life and who wants to waste it doing stuff that I don’t want to do? Hey, I’m just being honest.

But in all seriousness though I’m going to take the new year to make a better me and I suggest you all do the same.

See ya next year. I’m out.

My Life

germsarenotforsharing91258

 

Kids are nasty, filthy creatures that spread disease like rats in the dark sewers of New York City. They are constantly sick, which means everyone around them are constantly sick which creates an ever ending circle of coughing, runny noses, puke, and diaherra. It’s a war that can never be won. Sure we fight and win the occasional battles, but the war, we will never, ever win until kids start washing their damn hands and stop putting everything in their mouths.

I have three kids, and it seems like one of them is always sick, and then it spreads to the other kids, and then slowly but surely – it gets to me. I’m always the last, which is like a slap in the face because right when I think I’m in the clear, BOOM goes the dynamite and I catch whatever sickness these little rats are spreading. Before I had kids, I hardly ever got sick, but now with kids my life expectancy has dramatically been shortened, and at this rate I’ll be dead in my mid 40’s.

Dear Kids,

You all suck. Start washing your hands and stop shoving everything you find into your mouth. The only way you get a pass on this is if you are under 3 months old, after 3 months old you should know better.

Things you shouldn’t put in your mouths: Dirty socks, rocks, lizards, dirty diapers, dog toys, dog food, cat food, any kind of animal food, pet fur, pet poop, urinal cakes, kitty litter, or anything from your mothers top drawer of her night stand.

Things that should go into your mouth: Food, Water. That is all.

Sure its easy to just poop, pee and puke wherever you want, because you know that mommy or daddy will run over and clean it up, but its disgusting. The bathroom is the only appropriate place to do those things, not in the bed, the floor, the car, the pool or the kitchen floor. If nothing else, please try to make an effort to get to the bathroom, just sitting in your bed throwing up all over the place is not acceptable.

Start washing your hands. Oh, you say you can’t walk yet? So crawl. If you can’t crawl, ask your mommy or daddy to carry you to the sink. It’s not rocket science, just stop spreading germs. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick right now. As I type this my nose is full of green gunk and I’m coughing, and you know why? Because some kid at one of my kid’s school put his mouth all over the water fountain as he took a drink, which spread all over every other kid that also took a drink that day. So just stop it already, wash your hands and poop, pee and puke in the bathroom, do that and things will be a bit less sickly.

Sincerely,

One sick dad who’s sick of being sick.

The Thanksgiving break was a NIGHTMARE! Well not totally, having the family get together is always nice and it’s nice to spend that quality time with the ones you love, and hey – the food is always a plus, but the kids being home all week, is the kink in the chain.

You see, my kids fight about everything. I’m sure most kids with siblings do the same exact things as mine, but good lord already, they fight about some stuff that doesn’t make sense to me. I think they like to argue and fight, I bet they sit up at night making lists of things that they can do to piss the other one off. These are some of the things argued or fought over last week: socks, old toys that haven’t been played with in over a year ( but because one of the kids found it, now they both want to play with it), hot dogs, fish (my daughter wants fish because my son has an aquarium), who gets to the front door first when we get home, and so on and so forth. It’s a struggle especially when you are juggling a 2 year old who has a cold and demands that you hold her every second of the day.

With that being said, this morning was one of the best days I’ve had since the last day of summer break, because I had the pleasure of dropping both of my kids off at school, and I don’t even feel the least bit bad about it. Now does that make me a bad parent? In the eyes of some it does, but mentally I was ready for a break, and I have to prepare myself for the upcoming 2 weeks they will have off for Christmas break, and I’m really dreading that.

So today I’m back at it, and my whole mission today is to keep a clean house and my sanity at the same time. Wish me luck.

 

 

My Life

cleaner-1
As I pointed out yesterday, It’s pretty tough to get a lot of cleaning down around here with the 3 kids buzzing around, so sometimes things may get overlooked like cobwebs in the corners of the stairwell, or I may avoid cleaning under the couch in the living room for a few days, I might “forget” to take out the recyclables, so sometimes they might overflow onto the floor in the house, and so on and so forth. So this weekend I had some time so I decided to tackle one of the chores that I had been meaning to get to for days – cleaning the shower.

Now above the shower on the walls there was some water marks, grim or whatever else decides to party up there and I went and grabbed a magic eraser and some cleaner. Now, I assumed bleach would do the trick, so I went to find a spray bottle so I could dilute the bleach and make a mixture that would be okay to use. However, I couldn’t find the empty spray bottle that I keep in the garage ( I found it later ), so I went under the kitchen sink and whipped out some Clorox bleach bathroom cleaner – hey it said it’s for the bathroom, right? So I went into the shower and spray the bleach cleaner all over the walls and started scrubbing away with the handy-dandy magic eraser. It actually cleaned it very well, but by the time I got to the walls I hadn’t started cleaning first, the bleach had left, well, take a look for yourself:

cleaner-2

cleaner-3

Now personally I blame Clorox for not stating that the cleaner can’t be used on painted walls because it stains and ruins the paint – my wife on the other hand blames me and says that I’m an idiot.

Long story short? I have to repaint the entire bathroom, right after I finish my letter to Clorox.

My Life

I’ve almost given up in regards to retying to keep a clean house. I mean I DO clean but no one ever sees the house when it’s clean, so if the house is clean when no one sees it, does it really matter if you clean at all? I’m beginning to think not.

Many times, especially of late, I’ll get the kids together and we will clean the house, well mostly I clean the house while the kids whine and find various excuses trying to get out of cleaning. I’ll do the dishes, prep dinner, pick up toys, do laundry, sweep and scrub food and random mysterious sticky items from the floor, an hour before my wife gets home from work, and the house will look perfect – until about 3-5 seconds after I stand back to admire my work. I’m not exactly sure what triggers it, but without warning toys start flying through the air and I find myself dodging them like a scene from the matrix; cars, puzzles, books and baby dolls litter the floor without warning and with no disregard to the disapproving look I’ll get from my wife when she walks through the door. And it never fails, the more explanations I have for why the house isn’t clean, the more I sound like I’m lying and making excuses – even to myself.

So what’s the point? Why should I waste an hour of my day cleaning and scrubbing if no one knows about it? Trust me I’ve had to talk myself out of boycotting cleaning a few times, and it’s anything but easy.

Here are some challenges I face daily with cleaning and trying to keep a tidy household:



I’ve also become very familiar with Magic Erasers, Windex, Fantastic, Bleach and various other cleaning products. I’ve also experimented with dozens of cleaning techniques and tips I’ve learned from Pinterest, 20% that have actually worked, and for messes or stains that I couldn’t get clean, I’ve learned that hiding them is the best policy.

So I will continue the endless assault of cleaning the house even if the terrorbombs destroy it right after I’ve finished because I feel it’s important for the kids to live in a clean environment and that helps to keep moral up and – oh hell, who am I kidding? I clean up because I’m scared of my wife.

The end.

 

My Life

My son was 4 when our first daughter was born, and when we were trying to come up with a name for her, we obviously included my son in the process. We figured that there was going to be an adjustment period after she was born because Jack had been an only child for his entire life and we weren’t quite sure how eager he was going to be to share some of our attention with her, so we tried our best to get him involved and used to the idea as soon as we could, so we let him contribute to helping us name her baby sister.

Guess which name my son picked to be his sister's name?

Guess which name my son picked for his sister’s name?

However nothing could have prepared us for the extreme meltdown my son would have right after Sydney was born, it wasn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination. I think he thought that his sister was going to be born and be more like a toy than another human being that his mom and dad would have to spend every waking moment nurturing; because a few days after we brought her home, things with Jack changed drastically.

First he refused to go to school. He was in pre-k at the time and got it into his head that he was being dropped off at school while his new sister got to stay home and have fun. This went on for more than a month. Sometimes we’d get him to school, but most of the time he would scream, cry and throw huge tantrums or other times he would complain that he was sick. This went on for quite a while and we really didn’t know what to do. We’d drop him off in carpool and the teachers would have to rip him from us and force him into the school as he screamed and cried, which is the only way we got him to school, and honestly I couldn’t take it. My wife had to start taking him and eventually after a while he started going back to school without tears, but usually with us promising something to him as a reward; some of this recurred in Kindergarten, but not nearly as bad.

Then his behavior all around changed. He started hitting, literally attacking me like he was a ninja, and it hurt, and I took it because I knew that he was going through something he couldn’t really understand, or even know what was happening. Sure I disciplined him, but I really had to be careful with him because I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it. In fact one time I had to carry him out of Walmart with him on my shoulder as he kicked and punched me the while way out – not our best father/son moment.

(oh and for all of you parents are gonna spout something off like “that kid needs a beating” or “I would have spanked my kid” or something related to that sort of discipline, save it, I’m not interested in your theories.)

So after counseling and patience we figured out he was going through separation anxiety and with patience and time it went away and he was back to normal – but that was a very stressful time, and one day we will get a good laugh out of it, not yet though, not yet.

He’s 8 now and she’s 4 and they get along about 53% of the time. The rest of the time they fight and try their best to annoy each other, which for some reason seems fun for them even though that it always leads to me yelling at one of them, but they take their chances; risk vs reward and all that.

All that drama and turmoil that started when we had our baby girl and named her Sydney. I wonder what would have happened if we had named her what my son wanted to name her; Omlette. We might be in World War 3 right now.

 

 

 

My Life

batman-robin

We had a great time for Halloween this year. We had some good friends over in some really cool costumes, ate some really good food, had a few drinks and had a lot of laughs. It was supposed to be a very innocent party, but as always, things sometimes get a bit more fun than most of the wives care for – more on that later.

hallow

It was freezing cold but most of the kids didn’t seem to mind as long as they were getting free candy from all of the neighbors, my baby girl though was shivering and shaking like a leaf. Trick or Treating really didn’t last too long because of the weather, but that was okay because we still had the party back at the house. The kids were feasting on candy and the dads, well we were out in the driveway with the fire-pit, drinking Fireball and playing cornhole – mostly in the rain. Fireball for those of you wondering, is a cinnamon whisky that is totally delicious and just a delight to drink. If the weather had cooperated it would have been a perfect night and the kids would have gotten more candy, but thankfully everyone got home safe, and a good time was had by all.