Epic Fail

hardees-dad

Epic Fail

baby-black

Funny Pics

poop

Kids art and drawings can be so awesome sometimes that it’s not even fair to the people who actually sit around thinking of ways to try and be funny.

Parenting Fail

breast-feeding

With all the debates on breastfeeding in public, could this woman be a trendsetter?

My Life

yesterday morning was especially rough. My 4 year old had been throwing up all night from a mysterious stomach bug that luckily no one else in the house got, even my wife who was thrown up on twice. I slept on the couch with my 2 year old daughter to keep away from the sickness because the last thing I needed was for me our my daughter to get sick. So my wife literally got no sleep and the little I managed greeted me with a migraine when I woke up, partly from sleeping on the couch on a rock hard throw pillow, and partly from lack of sleep. However none of that phased my 2 year old daughter who got up with enough energy to launch a rocket into outer space. So as I’m slugging along without any coffee, half asleep and with blurry vision, she demands “EAT!”. Yeah, when she wants food that’s what she yells and she assumes that I know what she’s talking about. So as I stand there with an open fridge she is yelling “EAT!” as I’m going through and pointing out everything in sight.

I point at yogurt: “NO, EAT!”
I point at eggs: “NO, EAT!”
I point at waffles: “NO, EAT!”
I point at pancakes: “NO, EAT!”
I point at Granola bars: “NO, EAT!”

Now I’m super frustrated and quite irritated, so I turn the tables a bit:

I point at pickles: “NO, EAT!”
I point at a stcik of butter: “NO, EAT!”

*now she’s getting pissed and I smile pleasantly pleased with myself.

I point at the bottle of ketchup: “Yeah!, Now Waffles”

Uh oh, she has turned the tables back on me. I’ve essentially painted myself in a corner. I quickly start backtracking, offering up any foods that to me sounds a whole lot better than waffles with ketchup, but no matter what I offer, she is holding form at ketchup and Waffles.

Now let me tell you, I’ve never gagged as much in my life as I did while pouring ketchup on top of a waffle and then cutting it up and then watching as she started eating it. In fact as I write this my eyes are watering and I’m gagging. However apparently it was so good, she demanded a second and I damn near lost it. There is just something special about smelling ketchup and freshly toasted waffles first thing in the morning.

I wish to god I had pictures of this, but basically I was just trying to get the hell out of the room and the sight of the horror I was witnessing before I blew chunks all over the kitchen. Needless to say – yesterday was a very rough morning.

However this wasn’t the only time she had insisted on eating ketchup on a breakfast item. A few weeks ago she demanded the delightful condiment on her pancakes.

pancakes-1

pancakes-2

My other 2 kids never ate stuff like this, as they’ve always been “normal” eaters per-say, but with my newest child I’m getting a whole new experience, one that almost got the best of me yesterday.

Bi-Polar Rants

chris

I’ve been waiting to see American Sniper, and hopefully soon I will be able to go out and see it in the theaters. I think Clint Eastwood is an amazing director, and the story of Chris Kyle is an amazing one. While I believe that Chris may have exaggerated and embellished his story just a bit, it doesn’t take away what he ultimately did and sacrificed for his country. So it sickens be when people such as Michael Moore, who in my opinion is a disgrace to this country as the gall to say that snipers, in reference to Chris Kyle are cowards, when in fact Moore himself is the coward. I would love to see him tell a sniper to his face that that soldier was a coward, it might be the last time we ever hear someone so ignorant say something so stupid ever again.

I don’t believe in a lot of the politics that’s go along with war – a lot of it seems like needless killing of our young men, brothers, fathers and sons – but my feelings aside, I fully back and support those of them that are at war doing what they believe is right to protect our country and the freedoms that many of us take for granted. They have more courage than I ever will, and I have more respect for them that they could possibly know. So when someone like Michael Moore opens his mouth to disrespect these heroes, I get offended. Michael Moore is nothing but a big bully who hides behind his money, camera and microphone, and when someone finally steps up to him, he will cower in the corner and hide like the true coward that he really is.

So regardless of Michael Moore’s opinion or anyone elses for that matter, on the wars and the politics involved, calling these men cowards or disrespecting them for doing what they believe is right in protecting our country, doesn’t seem right, now does it?

Open your eyes people, there is much more going on in this world than your selfishness.

My Life

After the last few days of finding various items in my shoe, I decided to crank out a top 10 of things that I have found in my shoe over the course of raising my 3 children. Some may sound familiar to you and some may not – either way let’s take a dive into my world for a few minutes, shall we?

shoes

10. Princess chairs from a Princess castle. Yeah this one is pretty normal in terms of what you might find in a shoe from a child. I’m sure based on gender it’s pretty much the same, whatever small item they play with at some point end up in your shoe. in my case though I was in a hurry throwing on my shoes without socks to pick up my son from the bus stop when my toys were met with a very sharp princess chair, that shortly after took a short flight across my front yard.

9. Sand. Now, I’m not entirely sure where the sand came from. We have a sand box that’s at the very back of our one acre yard, but we hadn’t been on the playground in a week or so, and I know the kids hadn’t been back there, but that’s the only place you can get sand around here. And it’s not like there was a trail of sand or anything, there was just my shoe, filled with sand. I still haven’t figured this one out.

8. Water Balloon. We had many pool parties over the summer and water balloons always made an appearance and somehow one of them got crammed into the bottom of one of my Chuck Taylors. Did I mention it broke when I tried putting my shoe on? Yeah.

7. Cat food and my shoe half way filled with water. My daughter didn’t quite understand how feeding the cat worked. She’s better now, but wet cat food in my shoe was pretty nasty to clean out. It had the same consistency as baby puke.

6. A chewed up Hot Dog. 

5. A Sponge Bob Square Pants pez dispenser.

4. A Barbie doll head. A neighborhood boy was reportedly responsible.

3. A squished up banana. This recently happened and it was just like half of a banana and I didn’t see it or know about it until I felt this moisture, a very wet and squishy substance slowly make love to my toes.

2. A live frog. I’m not sure who did this, but for a time my son had pet frogs in an aquarium in his room and after a party where many kids were present I found the frog. Luckily however, I found him, or her before I put on my shoe.

1. A Dead Goldfish.  I have no explanation. We don’t have goldfish.

 

If someone had told me things like this would happen before I had kids I might have reconsidered – but alas for me it’s too late. So I have created a GO FUND ME campaign that could help me and others like me. So please check that out here.

My Life

6:00 A.M – Time to wake up.

waking_up_hungover_on_a_work_day-14393

Usually when I wake up, I’m squished to the very edge of my King sized bed with baby feet in my face. If I’m lucky I’ve had 5 hours of sleep, but usually, no. Usually I’ve been awaken by our 2 year old she-devil as she cries, screams, giggles, punches and kicks me in the face. If none of these things have happened before 3 A.M, I’m pulling out my wife’s cosmetic mirror and checking to see if she’s breathing, because it’s not normal.

6:30 A.M – Time to shower.

ace-ventura-shower-o

If I’m lucky I’ll get some hot water, but not always. It depends on if my son beats me to the shower or not. He likes to stand in scolding hot water to wake himself up in the mornings, and it takes an act of Congress to get him out. I’m not exaggerating here when I say he likes the water so hot that when he gets out of the shower he is bright red. He gets to look cool and look like a Lobster, and I get to take an ice cold shower to start my day. He wins again.

*Sometimes I like to grill steaks while I shower. How else could I explain the fire in the gif?

 

7:15 A.M – I drive the kids to school

drivekids

When I drive the kids to school I never quite know how it’s going to turn out. Sometimes it’s quiet and I can drink my coffee while day dreaming about how lucky I’d be if an alien space ship would come down and abduct me, and take me to a new planet without kids. But a lot of times it turns out to be my kids arguing  and fighting about absolutely nothing.

Dad, Sydney is singing.

No, I’m not!

Yes you are Syd I just heard you, you were singing that Frozen song!

NO…I’M…NOT!

I have to get involved at this point.

Baby, try not to sing, okay? Jack’s tired in the mornings and he just wants it quiet on the way to school, okay baby?

She smiles and gives me a thumbs up.

3 seconds later I hear her singing, but she IS singing lower and I know she’s singing just loud enough so that her brother can hear her, and where she thinks that I can’t.

DAD! SYDNEY IS STILL SINGING!

NO I’M NOT JACK! YOU’RE LYING!

I chuckle. This drive just became very interesting.

 

NOON – I make lunch for my 2 year old

lunch

My 2 year old can eat. She will virtually eat anything not bolted to the floor.  She eats like a Great White shark in a kiddie swimming pool. She is the sole reason why I have to hide while I eat, if she even thinks I’m eating, she will come running towards me waving her hands wildly, moaning and foaming at the mouth. Yesterday sadly, I ate a tuna fish sandwich in the bathroom.

*Disclaimer: Okay, so my daughter isn’t black, but I’m an equal opportunity blogger.

 

2:30 P.M – I head to car pool lane to pick up my 4 year old from Pre-K.

michael-bolton-gangsta-o

Even though I still have my 2 year old with me, I consider this my “free time” and before she picks up on bad words in my music, I listen to gangsta rap on the way to car pool. I figure I’ve listened to enough pop and Frozen songs (okay so I really don’t mind listening to Taylor Swift), that rapping along to rap songs kinda balances out the spectrum a bit. Sadly, I think this is coming to an end though because all of a sudden my 2 year old decided that she can talk, and the other day she dropped a “hey shawty, clap those ass cheeks” to my wife. Yeah.  Doghouse central.

2: 50 P.M – My son gets home from school and I start my part time job as a referee

reverse-1237227377_whats_the_referee_doing

The kids like to fight. About anything.

Dad she got a bigger piece of watermelon than I did!

I didn’t get to put ketchup on my pancakes!

Why did she get to fall down and scrap her knee and I didn’t?

She had more water in her bath than I did.

She’s in my room.

She’s touching my important stuff.

She’s chewing with her mouth open.

He looked at me.

And so on and so on, until my head hurts so bad I can’t think straight and I just want to put a gun in my mouth.

5:00 P.M – I start dinner

dinner

By the time I start dinner I’m in that “leave me the F*ck alone” stage just counting the minutes until my wife gets home from work and just praying to god that she doesn’t have to work late or gets stuck in traffic. Sometimes I ace coking dinner and it turns out really good, and other times it ends up in a disaster or I just pop in a frozen pizza in the oven or pour bowls of cereal.

5:15 P.M – My wife gets home from work

freeeeeee

Half of the time my wife gets home from work I’m waiting for her and before she even gets to the front door, I’m on the front porch greeting her with me screaming; “I’M OFF DUTY!” Maybe that’s a bit selfish since at this point I have no idea how her day went, but when I’m at my breaking point, I feel is very necessary to escape as fast as I possibly can before the dream killers see me and drag me back into the cold, dark, damp prison that they keep me chained up inside of.

So in a nut shell, this is a rough outline of the ‘hot spots’ of my day. Pretty glamorous eh? Speaking of, it’s almost lunch time, but I may get lucky, she ate a late breakfast of pancakes and ketchup, so I may get out of preparing lunch today.

ketchup

Welcome to my life, the life of a Stay At Home Dad. Now please kill me; I need a vacation.

My Life

stop-bullying

 

Recently on Facebook someone post this picture and I took offense:

bullying

This lead to a debate of sorts, with me mostly getting angry and going off on the person, but it hit close to home, and besides with all the good bullying campaigns do and the statistics of how many children commit suicide or do other violent things because of bullying, I thought it was pretty ignorant.

This was one of his best arguments:

bullying-comment

After a few more insults I threw at him, yes, I let him get under my skin and I shouldn’t have; he responded with this gem:

bullying-comment-2

I’m assuming because I’m a Stay At Home Dad, he thinks I’m weak as is my position on the issue at hand – just more of his ignorance shining through.

When I was in elementary school I was severely bullied, to the point when I fantasized about the violent things I wanted to do to them. I had one teacher who allowed this to go on even. It made going to school dreadful. Standing up for myself really wasn’t an option, even though I was too scared to do so because I was always bullied in groups, never one on one. I’m not sure why I was bullied, but I was, and all through middle school I was miserable. Going to the principal, teachers or my parents just wasn’t an option, in fact there was no awareness so teachers turned a blind eye, and most parents dealt with bullying the same way, they either minimized it, or gave the all important “stand up for yourself” speech. I do agree one should stand up to his or her bullies, let them know right off that you won’t tolerate it – but some kids are just too scared, feel like they have no chance of succeeding and knowing the backlash would be even greater than the actual bullying or simply can’t because the bullying comes from a group. Now as a grown man I know that they bullied in groups because they were cowards, but at the time I was scared to death.

I remember one time at a school dance, I was maybe 10, a kid came running through the crowd and sucker punched me right in the stomach and I crumbled like a ton of bricks. Another time at a lunch table someone spit on my arm. Paper was thrown at my head in class, I was pushed around in the hall wall, and this went on and on for years. Many kids go through these kinds of things and it’s not right or fair for them to be subjected to these types of abuse.

If these campaigns were around when I was a kid maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad. I’m not naive, I know bullying will never fully go away, however with these types of campaigns in place it bring more awareness to the issue and starts creating a better culture when it comes to bullying. Maybe more teachers will pay attention, maybe other kids will start sticking up for those who are being bullied, maybe kids who are being bullied won’t feel as though they have nowhere to turn any longer? If these campaigns help just 1 kid, isn’t it worth it in the long run? I was bullied most of my childhood and I’m not sure how much the anti-bullying campaign would have helped, but I would have felt better knowing they were in place, and thankfully many kids today can breathe a bit easier knowing that they have this type of support.

#StopBullying #BulliesSuck #NoMoreBullying

 

My Life

hanging

I think all parts have been there. We are busy doing important things like eating a snack in peace hidden away in some dark corner of the house, or taking that 30 second shower in between cries of “I’m hungry” and other random gibberish, when we hear in the distance, a faint scream for help coming from one of our children. Now when this happens to me the panic that I feel as a parent is quickly washed away when I walk into the room where the screaming is coming from only to see something as awesome as what’s taking place in the picture above. Usually I leave them in whatever awkward position that they’ve managed to get themselves into, but hey that’s what parenting is all about right? Watching our children grow? Well they might have a few bumps and bruises, but I definitely watch them.

My Life

 

remote-1

I’d like to choke them – but I can’t. Society as a whole frowns upon it nowadays. and I really don’t need the fall back from having a criminal record from choking my kids out. Bank robbery yes, choking kids no.  I get so frustrated that I can’t see straight half the time and it’s over something so silly that it’s hard not to bust out in a frantic Edgar Allan Poe laugh wearing nothing women’s panties and singing ‘u can’t touch this’ by M.C Hammer. And what might you ask leads me to such great madness?

THE KIDS TAKING THE BATTERIES OUT OF REMOTES ONLY TO PUT THEM INTO OTHER REMOTES BECAUSE THE BATTERIES IN SAID REMOTE STOPPED WORKING INSTEAD OF JUST REPLACING THE BATTERIES WITH THE NEW BATTERIES WE HAVE AND THEN LEAVING THE GODDAMN BACKS OFF OF THE REMOTES SO THAT WHEN I GET A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY USE A REMOTE THAT HAS BATTERIES, THEY FALL OUT ONTO THE FLOOR!

remote-2

I mean seriously kids, why? generally it’s my son grabbing the batteries from one of the TV remotes because he needs batteries for his Nintendo WII remote, but it really gets under my skin that he doesn’t at the very least ask if we have batteries. He’s even come into the living room as I’m watching TV trying to remove the batteries WHILE I”M WATCHING TV like it’s the most natural thing in the world. He actually looks shocked when I try and explain to him that it’s not acceptable practice.

“Really Dad?”

“Really son.”

My 4 year old daughter of course is watching and learning all of her big brother’s tricks, so it won’t be long before she’s trying to swindle and con me into getting my batteries, and guess who is watching and learning from her? My 2 year old. The. Cycle. never. Ends.

And just to throw salt in the wound, they refuse to put the backs back over the batteries, for whatever reason I don’t know, however my son recently informed me that it didn’t matter if the backs were on the remotes or not, so whenever I try and use the remotes I have to hold the batteries in place, use tape or risk losing them and watch them roll underneath the couch.

So check the papers, watch the news and do google searchs constantly for the term “dad chokes his kids for removing the batteries from the remote controls”, because my friends – it’s coming.

Oh man, is it coming.

 

Listen here Mrs. Fishkins. I call you Mrs. because you whine and carry on like a woman. You clean house? Stay at home with your kids? Just put on a dress Mary and call it a day. You or ANY man who does women’s jobs are not real men and are a disgrace to use real men who go out and work everyday and provide for our families while you girly men stay at home and play nice.

get a job and stop being a woman.

I really have no response to this ignorance. It’s a shame that men still think this way in this day an age.

About Me


I'm a stay at home dad. I change A LOT of diapers. Even more so now that my 2 year old thinks it's funny to take off her diaper while running around the house naked screaming as loud as she possibly can: "NAKED BUTT!"

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